?

Log in

Sssage

Recent Entries

You are viewing 10 entries, 10 into the past

December 25th, 2010

01:45 pm: Luminaries on my street
 Every Christmas Eve our neighborhood puts together a wonderful display of luminaries. Now that I have a really nice camera I could actually take photos that give this sight justice.

I submitted them to a contest, please vote for them, if I get 70 votes there is a good chance I'll win this month's spotlight


Click here to vote for it please


Click here to vote for it please

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Current Mood: impressedfestive

December 8th, 2010

01:49 pm: December seventh and eighth of the 10 day Meme


I'm going to include links to previous answers :)


Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done. 
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession. 

WEEE I am so full of fail!!!! I missed yesterday for a billion reasons of yuck, but today has redeemed itself, so I give you guys a double dose

Day 7: four turnoffs
1. Bad Body Odor, please bathe I beg you!
2. Making me embarassed to know you, please dress and act appropriately at family functions
3. Drama King/Queens, grow up and act like an adult and learn to deal with it
4. PDA! get the fuck away from me! and don't act suprised if I don't go for sucking face in public, let alone with my friends

Day 8: three turn ons
1. The smell of Laundry Soap/fabric softener, throw out the Axe spray and everything else and just wear clothes fresh from the drier and I'll be like (O.O) and \(^.^)/
2. Bringing me delicious food to eat
3.  Making me feel protected and safe. There is something nice about knowing that if nescessary, you have someone that is deadly at the drop of a hat




Current Mood: accomplishedThe machines at work now WORK!

December 6th, 2010

06:33 pm: December sixth, Day six of the 10 day meme

I'm going to include links to previous answers :)


Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done. 
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

1. Myles, Explorer_Fam, Shadowlight. He's been my man for nearly a decade now and I know he will be by my side till the day either of us die

2. My mom and my dad and my sister all get lumped together. I love them all, they support me and keep me happy. It gets complicated sometimes, but that is life and the good generally out weighs the bad

3. The gamer crew. God you all have been with me longer than I've known most people. You all saw me through years of stuttering and being too terrified to speak in public. I thank Nick for introducing me to it because my life is so much more awesome because you were the first folks outside of my family to not judge me or thinks worse of me because I was weird.

4. Jaydee, my longest oldest bestest friend in my life. She's the main reason I am still living today and made it through hell and back that was known as Jr High School

5. Rukis, Lagarto, D. You all rock and since I've met you and you have made my furry side of life so much more awesome. Plus you encourage me to show some self respect and don't undersell myself. You all remind me I'm worth more than I think in more ways than art prices.
 



Current Mood: chipperGood thoughts today

December 5th, 2010

03:22 pm: December fifth, Day 5 of the ten day meme

I'm going to include links to previous answers :)


Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done. 
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

This day's is going to be kind of challenging as there are many things I wish I hadn't done, yet they all have had a huge impact on my life and how I have been defined as the person I am now. So I will list some of those things and maybe provide some insight into them as well

1. I regret trying to find friendship in those who bullied me. I was so starved for any attention then I figured if I could win them over, maybe the rest of my peers might come to accept me as well. I was very socially awkward growing up, my parents worked a lot, and I think I closeted so many things about myself that they didn't really know how badly I suffered. But I don't regret taking the higher road and treating them all respectfully. At the end of Jr High a teacher thought it would be nice to give everyone a list of names and have them write something nice or a great memory about everyone on that class list. I sucked it up and managed to find something honestly redeeming about everyone on that list and turned it in. The last day of class my teacher compiled all the answers and chose the 10 best nice things and turned them back to us, without mentioning the names of those who had written those words specifically. Before she handed them back she said something that forever changed my life and how I viewed myself. She said, "many of you had some really great things to say about each other so I put those down on these sheets, but to be honest Jessica wrote some of the nicest things to say about every one of you, so many of those came from her". After she passed back those letters, we were released from class and were able to get our yearbooks so we can sign them and say good luck in high school. I have never received so many apologies in a single day than that very day. They were sorry for not standing up for me, or getting to know me better, or for treating me like crap.

That teacher had looked out for me, she had been a huge part of that last year and saw that I was a very brilliant student despite my C average. She knew exactly why I was failing to succeed, I was getting so badly bullied that I didn't want to stand out, I wanted to hide who I was from everyone, I didn't want to give anyone something else to bully me about or point out how else I was different and didn't belong. I never did get to thank her, and it wasn't till much later that I realized it was her that got me into the honors program in high school. She did the only thing that managed to help me grow as a person, get me away from my bullies and allow me to make a fresh start and be around others that wanted to succeed.

So if I hadn't attempted to befriend my bullies, I doubt I would have become the person I am now, I doubt that my teachers wouldn't have become such advocates of my education and growth to adulthood. I think this week I will call my Jr High and see if they can track down that teacher so that I could send her a letter of thank you.

2. I wish I hadn't been so manic and insecure through High School. I really missed out on appreciating the friendships I made, opportunities to hang out and goof off, and maybe actually learn to trust myself in social situations when I'm making decisions on my own. I still have problems trusting myself alone in public (which I will address the root cause of shortly) despite being medicated. I still have problems developing meaningful relationships with people when I am not with Myles. This is something I still regret to this day and I am not sure if this will be something that I can change as I grow to adulthood. Perhaps being tied down with my parents prevents me from doing whatever I like whenever I like. I don't think they would prevent me, but I find myself drawn to be available to help them whenever they may need it... I'm not sure how I feel about this one, or how it has worked toward me becoming a better person, but it is worth me thinking about and being more honest and open about it.

3. I wish I hadn't allowed that man to touch me. I regret not listening to my gut and despite him being a family friend not to trust him like I had. Again, I felt starved for attention, he was one of the few people who acted to make me feel like I was something that deserved to live and be loved. He took advantage of it and since then I've been unable to have anyone touch my bare skin without alarms going off. I haven't trusted anyone enough to actually relax around them. And now a days, I am pretty good about suppressing my outward flinching, but the alarms still go off, I still get sick to my stomach sometimes, and most regrettably, it is very challenging to go anywhere without Myles by my side. It's great when he is around because I take comfort knowing that he is fully capable of protecting me and severely injuring anyone intent on harming or scaring me.

4. I regret not going to Patrick's funeral. He had been nice to me in Jr High, I even sat near him often. He committed suicide and I felt so badly as if there was something I could have done to see it coming and prevent it. I didn't go because I felt as if I wasn't close enough to him to go. I'm not sure why I didn't anymore, I just didn't and was sad for a very long time because of it. I still think back on it. I had attempted suicide as well, but didn't go through with it because I felt my only two friends wouldn't make it without me. I wondered what happened for him that he felt so helpless. Again I regret not making meaningful relationships and following through with them.

5.  I regret giving up on cycling. I used to very good at it, but I couldn't overcome how closely associated it was to my molestation. I tried to continue it for years after, but couldn't get past the overwhelming awfulness... I regret not talking with a therapist sooner, before I completely gave it up and became a slug when it comes to staying in good health

6. I regret not going to Jingle's euthanization.  He was my first true out of the cage pet. I had known him most of my life. I was nearing the end of my rotation for my graduate school and that combined with the fact I didn't feel I could watch him die, I just didn't go. I regret that today. I think it would have been better for me to mourn with my family than alone as I ended up doing. I know I have a new kitten, he is totally awesome and retarded at the same time. But my hurt for my old cat just won't go away.

That will conclude todays thoughts, I've shed enough tears during writing this, I think I'm just done for the day.
 



Current Mood: blahdone thinking today

December 4th, 2010

06:25 pm: December fourth, Day 4 of the Ten Day Meme

I'm going to include links to previous answers :)

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.


1. I worry about my job, whether it's a good fit or will provide me the opportunities I need right now.
2. I think about Myles a lot, wondering what he is up to, when will I get to see him next, what should we do when we see each other. But I also worry if he's happy with the way things are, is he hopeful about starting a life together, will we manage to make it work.
3. I think about my family and my pets, hoping they are proud of me, thinking about my sister and her wedding this August
4. I think about completing artwork that has been on the back burner, those couple of commissions left and that huge praying mantis that has sat unfinished for over a year now
5. I think about my friends and wanting to hang out with them more, wondering if I missed out on some big opportunities to get close because I was a mess growing up, but now I'm sorta a mess realizing I have a whole lot left I need to sort out with my worries about being judged and misunderstood
6. It's sorta temporary but I think a lot about Spore lately and creating critters and maybe getting the expansion pack. It's a simple game, I enjoy it.
7.  I wonder if I should go back to therapy or change my prescriptions to help with this worry and insecurity... Or if I should just talk about it more to people who can actually help me in this transition to adulthood. I think I just hate being in transition whenever it occurs. I want things to be done and over with, I want to arrive to my destination, I get anxious when I drive places because I just want to get to where I'm going and sit and be still. Strange how I spent most my life running in hyper-drive while manic and all I want to do is be still now. The not manic thing is so new compared to the previous of my life. I don't think I am where I want to be yet....


Current Mood: annoyedkinda in sucky thought mode

December 3rd, 2010

02:33 pm: December Third: Day three of the 10 Day Meme

I'm going to include links to previous answers :)

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.


1. FOOD!!! Take me out to dinner for delicious tasty meat :D or bring me Deicious tasty meat, or whatever as long as there is delicious tasty meat or sherbert ice cream...
2. Cheesy/lame kid comedies and Movies about Kick Butt Female characters
3. Willingness to be content with holding me
4. Adaptability and willingness to change plans to help with a sudden mood swing, even when all I want to do is be still and sit in one place and find something small and repetative to do
5. Understand and respect my boundaries, even when they can change day to day and mood to mood for the better and the worse

If you can't tell, my bipolar disorder plays a huge factor in my life, sometimes for amazingness and for god this sucks right now. I hope the good out weights the suckiness

6. Being direct with me. I really feel insecure when I don't understand what is going on with someone, and I don't read body language very well (I'm learning) but I am not great. I love it when someone will say "Jess, I really wish you'd stop doing art right now, I want to snuggle with you, but I feel kinda ignored right now."
7. Take me shopping and encourage me to get something (guilty pleasure, but I have a hard time spending money on myself unless they are art supplies, which I really use to make stuff for others instead of myself anyways...) Often I'll end up buying something for my significant other in the process... but I can't seem to bring myself to waste money on stuff I don't absolutely need to function or stuff that won't be the end of the universe if I don't own it. Yeah... I really could use new jeans, maybe a better winter coat, or proper winter boots, but I have that stuff, it works well enough, and I am able to make due for now.
8. Doing a chore for me, or taking just one things off my to do list. It's a great way to shorten the I'm busy right now time and convert it to I want to worship the ground you stand on time


Current Mood: chipperchipper

December 2nd, 2010

11:33 am: December Second: Day 2 of the 10 Day Meme
I'm going to include links to previous answers :)

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.


I'll do this day's in the order of events that happened in my life (at least some what):

1. I used to race bicycles and be in great shape, I'm sorta a slug now. But I've taken up an interest in rock climbing now 
2. I have experienced most of the horrors men do to vulnerable women and have come out damaged in some ways and powerful in others; even from the same situations. My goal in life is to have the opportunity to help others through those similar traumas and help them discover the power to change their lives.
3. I am Bipolar, that has gotten me into some of my worst and best moments in my life. I am now medicated (and a huge advocate of finding the right combination to stabilize a life so it can be embraced at it's fullest) and I am finding I have many more best moments in my life ahead of me.
4. Even though I can be super confident, deep down I am extremely self conscious, I still haven't tackled the self esteem problems from my past 
5. I am Dragonkin, remember all of my previous life, and am happy to walk with my dragon self everywhere and in every aspect that makes up my life
5. I play White Wolf LARP and my character usually ends up justifying becoming allied with "evil" characters and finding herself in the position to do things against the groups wishes
6. I used to work retail and have become a shrewd sales person and negotiator. Check out my table at Furry cons ;-) 
7. I have found my soul mate (drone_dragon ), we are high school sweethearts, we live about half a mile from each other, we have had very difficult hurdles in our relationship (many of those hurdles are because of me...), we survived a 4 year long distance relationship, and I hope to get married to him in the not to distant future.
8.I have a Master's Degree in Clinical Laboratory Science and have a job in the field I was educated for 
9.  I want to have children some day.

Current Mood: sadbad memories are bad

December 1st, 2010

11:47 am: December first, day one of the 10 day meme
Links provided to all my answers

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever).
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession.

1. We are so going to have fun tonight!
2. I used to hate you, but now my life is so much richer despite you and I'm far to busy to waste the energy on you!
3. You are one of the few people that remind me to stay sane. That is why I could never let you go.
4. I hope you think I'm valuable enough to assure me I should stay here...
5. I think you are going to lose so much if you keep going like you are. I know you have goals, but I think you are sacrificing the wrong things for it...
6. I wish we were closer friends than I feel we are. Sometimes I feel so left out or awkward when we hang out.
7. You are so incredibly beautiful, it makes me fricken jealous.
8. You and I have gotten so close, I am glad I can finally trust you enough to ask you for help without feeling judged all the time.
9. I wish you would grow a back bone sometimes and stand up and be direct. I know you have a giant hammer, you shouldn't be afraid to use it.
10. Demon babies suck when they claw their way out grabbing. It hurts so badly when if feels like they are pulling everything out of place.

Current Mood: contemplativecontemplative
Powered by LiveJournal.com